I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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