i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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