You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
