my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
