smell my finger.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I have already put on my inside pants.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.