if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
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