i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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