It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
