imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
