i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
