i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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