and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
