According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
