In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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