I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
