I got chris browned last night
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
