so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
