My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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