part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
