So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
