Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
