a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
