I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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