The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
