Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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