Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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