and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
