Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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