i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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