I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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