Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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