I wish my penis had an off switch
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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