You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
