I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
