dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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