i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
