I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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