I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
