accomplished twins. life is a go
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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