the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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