Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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