how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
