Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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