Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
