My liver just broke up with me...
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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