i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
