yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
