I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
