she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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