Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
