from now on my penis is your penis
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird