Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
