I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i drank out of a bidet.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
