Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You are the jesus of drinking
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
