She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
