Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
