was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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