I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
