She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
