she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
