A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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